I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
