If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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