Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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