So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize