True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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