I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
