life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
