She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
