My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
