just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
