I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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