True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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