saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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