Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
