ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize