So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
