I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
