your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
