these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
