Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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