i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
