I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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