we have pet lesbian snakes
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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