My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
