Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
