I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
