Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize