So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
