I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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