do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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