Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
