Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
