he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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