Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize