my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
