So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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