two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
