And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
