your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
