dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
