I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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