I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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