this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
this will be a night to untag.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
