I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize