bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
