I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
