I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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