just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
