4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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