it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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