I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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