I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
