She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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