drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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