At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize