I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I touched a dick in church today
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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