Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
