im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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