I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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