I cannot find my penis.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize