I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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