just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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