The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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